The Luckiest of the Unlucky

Since I have all my medical issues in hand and a full month free of medical appointments, this is when the universe decides it is time for me to be hit by a car. But because I have this crazy luck, I wasn't hurt. I was walking my 15 pound shelty, Haiku, on the sidewalk and a car backing out hit me on the right side and knocked me to the ground. I scrambled out of the way in case the driver didn't notice and wasn't going to stop. This would have been hard to do because I screamed "fuck" really loud and probably made a decent thump hitting the pavement.

The most lucky thing is that Haiku was on a retractable leash that wasn't locked so she was wandering up ahead of me and could get out of the way of my fall. . The second luckiest thing was that I ended up with a few bruises, a little road rash, and some scratches. The only problem was I had a significant headache and wasn't sure whether or not I hit my head.

The driver got out of the van in a panic. She was terrified and didn't understand why her backup alarm didn't go off. She was so concerned and just felt terrible. Turns out she lives directly behind me. We hear her little dog in the yard . Haiku really doesn't know what to think of him. We also here her husband playing the saxophone and he is very good. Turns out he is a professional musician and she is a pre-school teacher. I tried to convince her I was fine and these things happen. It was an accident and she didn't see me and I didn't hear her. I let her give me a ride home since I was pretty shaken. I needed to get Haiku home and change close if I was going to the ER. Also I knew I had burned through all my synthetic adrenaline and needed to take a pill right away.

I decided I should go to the ER and get the headache looked at. To make a 4 hour story short, the CT scan was clear. I actually got this info on my app within the first hour, but I had to wait another 2 hours to get a room and another for a doctor to say I'm fine and do all the paperwork.

As much as I brag about my facility with MRIs, I suck at emergency rooms. First mistake, I wore shorts. It was 90 degree's outside so the air was on full blast. I was frozen. Also I left in my earrings. I should have known they would need to come out for any head scan. By the way, a head CT without contrast is very fast and easy. I am sure it cost at least $1000, but it took five minutes to scan and 5 minutes for the doc to read. Interestingly enough, the husk of my tumor showed up on this relatively low resolution scan. It's quite the landmark.

My third mistake was not checking that the pill holders attached to my key chain were filled. There are two pills I need to take around 12:30 and fortunately I did have those. However, my pain pill ran out and that added to the discomfort.

The ER becomes much more bearable after you get a room. I was so happy to get a warm blanket and be able to lay down my throbbing head. I have learned over the past 2 1/2 years that a warm blanket is one of the most magical items in the known universe. It felt so good I started to cry. My fourth mistake was I forgot Kleenex. I was crying before the Uber picked me up, on the way there and during my first hour in the waiting room. Worse there was no toilet paper in the stall. I really should have known better. Even if I wasn't in shock and distress from the accident, I get overwhelmed in the middle of a room full of people in pain.

When you get a room, which is really a curtained stall you can clearly hear and follow other people's stories. The guy across from me was a retired trucker. He had a kidney stint put in on Monday and has been in pain all week. He was getting admitted and felt terrible because it was his anniversary. His wife came in really grouchy. To my right, a delivery driver with a sis's in his lung tried and failed to get short term disability. A little further down, a 29 year old woman had chest pain for a week and her boss made her take an ambulance instead of driving herself to the hospital. I was so happy they didn't see the anxiety on her chart, tell her it was all in her head, and send her home. I feel like that is what would have happened 20 years ago when I was her age. So once you get a room, it is like one of the less interesting episodes of a mediocre medical TV drama. But they have toilet paper!

I came home and Haiku bounded out to meet me and lick the scrape on my knee. I ate some dark chocolate and took my pain pill. A huge wave of gratitude and relief washed over me. Once again I had an event that could have been fatal and was only painful and time consuming. In terms of silver linings, it very directly reminded me I love being alive. That's a good one. I also have the sense that the universe is trying repeatedly and unsubtly to get me to stop attaching to plans and expectations both on the macro and micro level. I thought I would be in blindness vocational rehabilitation and government for another 18 years and then I got terminal cancer. I thought I would walk the dog and and work on the shelf I was building for under the desk in our kitchen but instead I got hit by a car and spent the day in the ER.

In another ironic twist, I finished that shelf this morning and went to put it in place. Apparently, I measured the inside space and had not accounted for the decorative strips around the opening. I had built it an inch too wide. This type of screw up used to send me into a self-abrading spiral. I would beat myself up for weeks or months for being so stupid. I used to think this would help me not make such a bone headed mistake next time. Although I probably never would have said it this way, I did believe I could get stuff right enough to prevent disaster. Part of me thought that if I hadn't smoked, had eaten better, or had less stress I wouldn't have gotten kidney cancer. Maybe, but I enjoyed smoking and eating and especially the time I spent with people in the smoking section and over dessert and martinis. And I could have done everything right and and still gotten cancer from farm chemicals or random chance. Shit happens. If you want to make God laugh, make a plan. However you want to put it, we are all subject to what Shakespeare called "the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune." It's a huge universe, but the law of averages means you will be hit by something. Sometimes its a rogue cell and sometimes it's a mini van. This fact used to terrify me and I would rage against it by any means available. When I inevitably lost my fight with fate, I'd scream at myself like a bad coach in an '80s movie. Turns out, there was fear in that dojo.

But somewhere in the past 2 1/2 year, I stopped doing this. I had read book after book about self-compassion, yet I couldn't seem to execute the very reasonable strategies they offered. I think the brain tumor was the tipping point. It was the worst thing I could imagine coming out of left field when I thought I was home free. It was finally a circumstance large enough to break my will. Fate or Life or the Dharma, or God or whatever you want to call it stormed the castle and tore down my flag. I would have thought that this would make me feel constantly weak and scared, but I actually feel more free and resourceful. I know that whatever happens, I'll do what I can and live with the results. I'll catch my fall and scramble out of the way before I can even formulate a conscious thought. I can trust my body to do what it needs to do. Even more importantly, I can feel grateful and appreciative every time I successfully deal with things going pear-shaped even if I'm the cause. Sometimes I will be the cause, after all I'm a part of this whacky universe.

So I decide to put the too long shelf by the front door and use it for shoes and dog toys instead.
I order the boards and wheels to build another shelf I'll also triple check my measurements this time. I can give myself the space to mess up, but there's no reason to make the same mistake again. I've got plenty of new mistakes ahead of me.