Hard Habit to Break

The physical therapist asked me what I do and I didn’t know how to answer. I realized she was the first person to ask me since I left my job and career in July. Technically, I have a small business, but not having the stamina to dig in and work 12 hours a day like most new business owners, it hardly feels like a “real job.” On the other hand, I don’t feel retired. I want to say I’m a writer, but that leads to follow-up questions that imply some level of notoriety and if you don’t have it, you wind up looking like an imposter.

I ended up telling her what I generally do on a day to day basis, which is a lot of computer work and some standing on a hard floor woodworking. No matter how much of either I do, it never feels like I’m making enough progress. That’s how I felt when I was working, so I guess I’m doing something akin to work.

A couple of weekends ago, the interim Director of the Iowa Department for the Blind gave her report to the National Federation of the Blind of Iowa. I had to leave and hide in the bathroom as long as I could. I hung out in the hallway and put in headphones. I just couldn’t listen. I felt like a ghost and the only thing worse than being a ghost would be to be a judgmental ghost. I spent years being armchair quarterbacked and this drove me mad. Not knowing what was happening is the easiest way not to have an opinion and the only way to avoid caring.

When I was director, one of the former directors was so displeased with something I did that he threatened to call his friend the AG and get me fired. That really wasn't how things worked, I happened to be following the advice of the AG's office, but he didn't know that. He was just angry that I was changing something that had been a certain way for a very long time. It was awfully hurtful to get that call from one of my board members -- one of the people who could actually fire me. After that, I promised myself that I would leave gracefullly and let go. Now if the Governor hires a real jerk who jedpardizes the core mission or existence of the agency, I will need to stand against it, but until then I need, for the good of all, to shut my pie hole and keep it shut.

This is much easier said than done. I'm naturally bossy and I loved bing in a position where I was always expected to have an opinion and make a decision. My wife always found this one of the worst parts of the job, but I loved it. Two years of therapy taught me that this need for control wasn't always the healthiest, but I am actually great at making decisions. Remember when George W. Bush was being made fun of for saying he was the decider? I was like, "oh no bitch, that's me." It makes friendships challenging though. I really have to work to hold back and not tell people what they should do and sometimes it sneaks out before I can stop myself. On the plus side, I'm a great friend to have whenever you are stuck on a decision.

I also loved making a difference. No matter how tired I was of the politics or the idiotic bureaucracy or people being downright stupid about blindness, I knew I was doing something important. Because I was doing my job, people were getting a chance to save their lives. We were bringing hope and empowerment to people who the world tends to push aside. We helped people find their self-respect and achieve their dreams. So no matter how much it sucked, and somedays it really sucked, I had a baked in sense of purpose.

So I sometimes find myself dwelling on the bad times to make me miss it less. Then I need to quickly counteract those negative thoughts with good will for my friends that are still there and the clients they serve. It's the only way I've found to build some form of healthy distance. I have to think about the misery of dealing with the Governor's office or malevolent employees . or how I would come home at the end of the day with only enough energy to eat dinner and get ready for bed. But I can't stay too long in those thoughts because I don't want to become bitter. The distance doesn't feel healthy, but I have to trust that it will get easier over time. It actually feels a lot like quitting smoking. I need to keep focusing on how bad my clothes smelled and the hacking cough rather than how great a menthol goes with a morning cup of coffee or how much fun I had on the smokers' patio outside the bar. I imagine that ,like quitting smoking, it will get easier over time but never go away entirely. I don't think that I'll ever be able to sit next to a smoker in the cancer clinic waiting room without anger and nausea.